I need to learn how to trust. Trust people. Trust him. Trust me. I love him with everything I have, but I always second guess every motive, every text he gets, everywhere he is. I wish he understood how much easier it is for him to trust me than for me to trust him. I haven’t misplaced his trust before. With him though, he’s consistently inconsistent. He’s unpredictable, and that’s probably the scariest forms of people. I can convince myself for a small amount of time that he means well and that he loves me. But it’s hard when his nice gestures suddenly turn into, well, the opposite. He never remembers the little things much less the big ones, but can I really expect that? He’s fire and ice. And I love him, and I want this to work more than anything else. I have been trying so hard to get better at trusting him. But right when I’m getting there, something happens to throw it off again. He knows I won’t leave. He knows I won’t cheat on him ( I absolutely despise that concept and people who do it.) and he knows that I always have the best intentions at heart. I am going to keep trying to pull it together. I keep this screen up in front of me to make him think I’m not as fragile as I am. But I am utterly and completely… breakable. I use to be emotionless, I’d get bored in a week in every relationship, and I never really cared that I hurt anyone. I didn’t give a damn about much. But then I met him, and suddenly I have emotions, feelings. I’ve never been scared to lose something. I am scared shitless now. I’ve never been so captured by someone. He has my heart, body and soul. I’ve never had someone make me feel. I now feel everything. This is all so new to me…and I have to adjust somehow. I have to allow him to love me, as I love him. Although it will make me 1000x more vulnerable, I don’t care. I’m just so scared to be wrong…again. I’m scared to put myself completely in his arms. I’m scared he’ll tear me apart. I’m scared…I’m scared and that’s it. Fear is the sickest emotion, next to confusion, to me. Sadly it’s what I feel most, because I allow it. My imagination feeds on my fears, my shortcomings and my insecurities. I love him. So I will try my damn hardest. But I wonder if he will as well. I wonder if he will give me the patience I give him, because God knows I need it. I want to know I’m not doing it alone, because for the longest time I was. It can’t be one sided and work. I need to know he’s beside me, together. Because this is something I can’t patch up alone. I never thought I’d need someone….but I do…
